it’s been feeling like the end of this to me for a while now. like I don’t relate to this online persona ive created in my head, don’t recognize myself in anything ive ever posted. this deranged yearning to be emotionally exposed has morphed into a very tired joke.

a year or so ago I said I wanted to take this year to learn how to be a better friend. i kind of didn’t know what I meant by that, but i do feel like i really have come so far. sometimes i say the most hurtful thing i can think of to a friend and it is with neither thought, nor regret. it hurts and then it doesn’t, and all through the pain i still love them. there’s new parts of my body that ache. ive never noticed a pain there before. A new kind of hunger eats away at me.

all my friends kiss these pains away, and i am so sweet when i kiss myself. i still go hunting because im hungry. I write my strategy out in my head, and ive found someone who is very easy to love, very easy to leave. i want to love in a way that’s against my nature, i want to love into reality, not into my mind. that’s the game, to love like this person and still write like that person.

you should see the way my hands work now, how my eyes stay dry, how my voice wraps names in laurels before they leave my mouth. everything looks the best on me –rage and kindness. I wear my mother’s rage here and here. my father’s teardrops collect right here. it’s very funny that if i had asked my mother to love me, she would have, but i forgot to ask. my father once called and asked me to be a friend to him, he said he didn’t have anyone else. i held my breath until our time ran out. i wanted to hold my breath until my feet turned blue. i kept holding my breath until i couldn’t anymore and had to ask someone else to do it for me. it’s the only way to stop time. if you do it right might even be able to go back in time, and learn how to be a friend instead of learning how to breath.

i didn’t even have to ask but my mum bought me new binoculars for eid n the sunsets these past few days have been sooo nice ! so these days i just wake up n eat n watch the sunset n feed the cats n go to sleep.

im officially too old to care about skinny people anymore!! i no longer have any patience for skinnies so plan accordingly 🤍 thank u